The Death of Hope
by Bellatrix wannabe 89
Summary: Olivia has just made the hardest descision in her life, and even after telling herself over and over that she was right, she starts to hate herself for it. AO, one shot, spoilers for Savior


I own no one

A/N This story has two functions. One, because Savior rocked out loud and I want my own little one shot of it. And two, to say once more I'm sorry A to my O. You know who you are, and I would give anything to take back what I did to make you mad at me.

Olivia sat on the couch at home, the tears running down her face silently and slowly as she wrapped the blanket around her tighter, her mind replaying the events of that afternoon.

For one moment, for one glorious moment, she had been as near to a mother to that little baby as she could have ever hoped for. She had been responsible for someone else's life; she had someone who she could love unconditionally.

The baby was so tiny; she had fit in both of Olivia's hands easily. The picture of innocence, she was perfect.

Olivia had told Elliot before she had known what had happened she would have never let the surgery happen. She had said that the quality of life mattered much more then the quantity of it. And really, with all of her problems, she wouldn't have had much of either.

But as the doctor demanded that Olivia make a decision she never thought she would have had to face, she looked into that plastic incubator and saw Gladys's little baby in pain, she knew what she had to do.

Olivia didn't even bother to wipe away her tears as they flowed faster, and didn't even flinch when she heard the person knock on her door.

She stayed silent. Hoping that her intruder would go away and leave her be with her decision.

But when she heard the key in the lock turn, she knew there was no chance of her being left alone tonight.

Olivia didn't look up as she heard the heels clunk softly on the carpet before they walked over to her couch and sat down.

Olivia ignored the figure and instead turned away, not wanting the person to see the tears in her eyes.

"Don't hide from me," the voice ordered, and even in her sorrow, Olivia was surprised at how strong the voice was.

"Just leave me alone," Olivia muttered, not complying with the person request.

"No!"

Olivia turned towards the person and didn't even attempt to muster a 'don't do that or else' face as she looked at Alex Cabot on her couch.

"Alex, please. I just want to be left alone right now."

"No. Olivia, you need to talk about this."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

Olivia groaned and shook her head. "Alex, I did what I thought was right and looked at what happened." The tears sprang to her eyes once more. "I'm a murderer."

Alex took her Olivia's hands in her own. "Listen to me, Olivia. You are not a murderer. What kind of life would that baby-"

"Hope," Olivia whispered so softly Alex was almost sure she had missed it. "They needed a name on the… on the death certificate. I know it's contradicting but-"

"It's a beautiful name," Alex assured her. "But what kind of life would Hope have had if you told them to do the surgery? She would have lived in constant pain, humiliation, and dependence for what? Maybe twelve years if she was lucky? She never would have had the life a child of yours deserved, and you would have been more heart broken if you grew to love her more then you did and then she died."

"I could have given her a chance!" Olivia cried, letting out a sob. "She had a chance of living a normal life, and I took that away from her!"

Alex bit back her own tears and wrapped her arms tightly around her, letting Olivia cry on her shoulder. "You know it's not true. You know how slim that chance was, Olivia, and you know it's wrong to gamble with a life like that."

"I wanted to be a mother for so long," she whispered in her ear. "When I finally have a chance, I throw it away because it's-"

Alex pulled away and made sure Olivia was looking into her eyes. "Olivia look at me, look at me, Olivia. You made that choice because that child would have known nothing but pain and you didn't want to put her through that. That proved you love her. You are willing to put yourself through all this pain, and suffering, and heartache so that she doesn't have to go through years of her own pain." Alex leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips, running her hands through Olivia's chestnut colored hair. "I've loved you far too long to know that you couldn't have done that to her. You're not that selfish."

Olivia let out a sob and bit her lip hard, closing her eyes as she leaned into Alex's touch as Alex kissed her again.

Alex pulled away and Olivia's eyes remained closed before she spoke. "Sometimes I wish I really was a selfish, horrible bitch."

"But you're not. Being a bitch just isn't your burden to bear. I take on most of that aspect in the relationship"

Olivia let out a sob mixed with a laugh and took several deep breaths before she looked Alex right in her eyes. "What would you have done?"

Alex was silent for a moment before she finally spoke. "I don't know. I wasn't in your position to decide this."

Olivia nodded before she sighed, running a shaky hand through her hair. "Alex, can you… can you just stay with me tonight? Please?"

Alex kissed the top of her forehead before she nodded. "I'll always stay with you."

Olivia let out a saddened laugh before she spoke. "No offense but that was a really corny line."

"But it worked didn't it?"

Olivia nodded and let out a stifling yawn before Alex took her in her arms and laid down, embracing her, her arms wrapped around her waist as Alex pulled the ascot on the back of the couch onto them.

"Thank you," Olivia whispered as she closed her eyes, letting the final tears of the night roll down her face.


End file.
